the wonders of selective grammar usage

Naruto, Sakura, Sasuke and Iruka [mini SD figures].
Mario on a cloud, Luigi's fireball death, a Cheep-Cheep and a Starman on its block [collectible Pepsi caps].
The issue where Rock Lee and Gaara do battle [Jump Comics].
Karaoke Revolution Party with mic [PS2].
Rhapsody: A Musical Adventure [PSX].
Trauma Center: Under the Knife [NDS].
Pokemon Snap in the original box, Pokemon Stadium, Pokemon Puzzle League and Paper Mario (the surprise gift!) [all N64].
Final Fantasy Tactics Advance, Metroid Fusion, The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past/Four Swords, Mega Man Battle Network 2, Mario and Luigi: Superstar Saga, and Naruto RPG (import) [all GBA].

I usually think that I'm spoiled just by the affection and care and listening, but then it's things like this that make me smile and gush and fall in love all over again. Pictures tomorrow when I get to the 'rents, some even taken by the lovely and talented Lorelei! :D

I am such a lucky girl. Only a month and change to go!

Hot damn, I just deleted my nine-minute long audioblog.
You can all thank me later.

The past couple weeks have been an interesting mix of hectic and insane. There's so much going on right now that I'm both worried and excited about, but all I really want to do is sit amongst the falling snow and let it rest in my hair. I want to hold a flake in my hand, mourn its passing as it melts oh-so-quickly, and rejoice moments later when another lands upon me. It's like a rebirth of sorts. Makes me happy.

As for now, though, I'll sit alone in my cozy abode, poking away at The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe [NDS] and close up my Kim Possible: Kimmunicator [NDS] review. I'm expecting a box full of goodies from my East Coast cuddlebug (and when I say goodies, I mean Karaoke Revolution Party... amongst other games), and o the sixth, two things come out that I've been waiting for with bated breath -- Animal Crossing: Wild World and the newest issue of Pocket Games! I never thought that my name would be published anywhere in a gaming mag outside of the letters section, but it'll be here soon. I almost am waiting to buy it because I really don't believe it's true. It's surely a dream come true, and I have Kimi Matsuzaki (1UP's Community Editor) to thank.

About a week ago, I wrote up a post for my 1UP blog acknowledging my missed "anniversary"... but am more than a bit apprehensive about posting it. I guess that, even though my memories of that time have a veneer of cynicism (and with good reason), I really can't deny the impact that the site has had on me. Nick aside, 1UP was the catalyst for two things in my life. The first was GotNext -- I never would have been connected with Chris if it wasn't for my blog and the amount of non-effort (because honestly, blogging shouldn't take too much effort) put into it. The other is that I met some great people on there, and while I may not talk to most of them anymore, they really were a driving force. They helped change my life.

It's December now. I keep on trying to reconcile myself with this, because in many ways I feel that not only had my year begun in May, but my life in general. To think that I'm going to have a chance at a new year so soon really trips me out. So much has happened to me in these past six, seven, eight months... so much indeed. What was just a shell of an existence was made whole again, and I really do have many of you to thank for that. As I go on, inching closer to spending time with my dear friends who have moved away... Christmas... New Year's... January 10th (when Nick lands here in Sea-Tac for two weeks and two days... I sometimes sink back and think about how I got to this point.

I can't wait for next year. I have Nick's graduation to look forward to, which hopefully also means a longer stay in Queens Village (and more time with Bill and Vin -- they're too awesome for words). Nick will get to meet my family, and in May I'll get to meet his father and stepmother. If I end up at Wal-Mart around bonus time, I may try socking that away so I can either: a) get myself over to Amherst for a weekend or so if Nick can't make it over here during Spring Break; or b) save up for a new computer/broadband/mp3 player. Dial-up is a hindrance, and while I'm making do, I'd rather have the convenience of always-on service. The connection situation is one of the main reasons why I've done away with AIM, actually.

Ah. Anyway.

I've never been one for resolutions; I've accepted the fact long ago that, in my case, they only lead to broken dreams. However, my only resolution will be this: keep going forward. What else is there to do, really?

Rain falls rhythmically on the rooftops, the sound not unlike ten million kittens padding around playfully. Imagination is a wonderful thing, that's for sure. It's so soothing, and yet the temperate nature of Western Washington and its perma-rain are only but a tease. Christmas music may be pumping through the speakers and holly-jollies everywhere, but snow is but a fleeting memory my side of the Cascades. It doesn't get cold enough to snow too often, and when it finally does snow, it warms up to rain soon after, and all you have is a Slurpee(TM) Wonderland.

We've no shortage of evergreens, though. No shortage indeed.

The holidays always end up making me feel off-kilter. Too often, the "spirit" of Christmas ends up being mangled into some sort of holiday savings more than anything else. Don't get me wrong, I'm really rather curious/petrified to be working at the crack of dawn on Black Friday, but the fact that there's so much focus put on the monetary giving rather than the giving of love... it's just rather weird. Couple that with the fact that, yet again, I'll be kiss-less come New Year's and "enjoying" a new alone status on Christmas morning... it's a rather bittersweet feeling.

Time's starting to go by so quickly, though. I mean, it's already mid-November -- it's almost been a month since I was awed by the lights and sounds of Manhattan, but there's a part of me that still doesn't believe it happened, a part of me that's still reeling from the newness of it all. The other part of me tells me that it's been months since I was cuddled and such. Everything's so crazy-hectic right now, and I know that once Black Friday hits, the rest of the year will just go by like that. It's both exhilarating and exasperating.

I'm really hoping to be able to spend some time with people come Thanksgiving and Christmas. I know that samedi is coming into town for T-Day, and that patdayooper and jambarree will be in for winter vacation. Oh, how I wish that I could have a different job, one in which I could take the two weeks around Christmas off so Nick could come and meet them. I don't talk to them as often as I should, but as Nick can attest to, I've talked so much about my friends. There was a large part of me that really wanted to bring him to a pinochle night, but alas... :P There are no guarantees that there would be a pinochle night to begin with, but oh well.

I've actually been thinking a lot about one particular member of that pinochle grouping lately. I hope she's doing alright. Maybe I'd better start digging around in search of a phone number (which, hopefully, would still be hers)...

Anyway. I'm here. This much is true. As you've noticed, I may not be here quite as much for the time being (thank goodness for phone posts!), but... yes. I'm going to bed now.

... but not before saying these two things, both of which are intended for people who don't read this but will hear of it anyway somehow:
1) I am a Pokemon Master, damn you, despite my lack of Elite Four pwnage; and
2) Hahahaha, I so knew you were bluffing. Even spite has its limitations.

There are certain things that one does to keep the magic alive in a long-distance relationship. Okay, before you start hurling yourself in front of the nearest moving vehicle, I'm referring to the little things... you know, my daily emails, phone calls (ohmygoodnessthankyoutelephonetechnology), the ilk.

Well, basically, that survey/memegen/blah thingie that's been floating around for the past few months? I decided to go ahead and mess with it... with a twist, mind you. Since Nick and I have completely different voices, I don't even need to color-code our responses to figure out who said what... I mean, yeah. From the get-go, though, you might want to have your car running and your exhaust pipe pumping fumes into an enclosed area. There is a fair amount of swoonage (and a bit of omgnoooooo) in the following.

( dual-sided meme! )

Wasted my lunch on my stupidity. I forgot my wallet in my apron, so I had to go back to the store to go get it and mosey on back to Safeway. I ended up having to cram half of my sandwich in my face during my last break.

Stabbed myself in the hand with a screwdriver when I tried to break open my first disposable camera. Screwed up on some photo processing -- not on the actual photos, mind you, but basically undercharged people. Good for people, bad for sales.

I now have a locker to myself, though.

... got off at eight tonight. Man, was that ever weird or what -- I mean, I'm used to having my lunch around then, not leaving for good then. As I was driving toward my empty house, a sudden rush of wind hit me... I had the whole night free! I could do whatever I wanted! Victory was mine!

Menu >> Contacts >> Nick >> SEND

Eh, it's financially cheaper and emotionally rewarding. Anyway, I didn't know if Pat would be awake still, you know? (I tried earlier, really!)

0802 hrs :: October 15, 2005

With a sigh that filled the empty room, I finished the final book of a trilogy laced with madness and sorrow.  The cover face down upon my chest, I slipped my hands in my sweatshirt pocket and stared up at the ceiling, thinking. They went through so much agony, heartache, longing... and the only thing they wanted was what I have beneath my feet. "What a fool you are," I said aloud to myself.

The stairs creaked ever so lightly as I carefully made my way to the basement. I sat at the edge of the bed, just watching him sleep. Blue daylight filtered in through the solitary window, softly highlighting his features. My fingers traced the lines of his jaw, his shoulder, his arm, his hand. His hand slipped into mine as I waited, wondering if he would wake.

When I decided that I wasn't going to wake him, I tried to pull my hand away, but his grip tightened. Upon my wrenching it from his grasp, he lay still, but once he became aware that his hand was empty, his arm shook and he let out an almost shocked mumble. It was then that I realized the significance of it all, and I laid there, arm's length from him, just watching and waiting.

I know I said I wouldn't post for the rest of the weekend, but this just needed to be said:

More than anything, Nick, you're the best friend I've ever had. You're there when I don't even know I need you the most, and even though we joke about not being able to keep any secrets whatsoever, you carry a part of me in your heart that nobody else gets to know. You understand all the inner machinations of this labyrinth of a mind that I get lost in, and are willing to delve into the darkness and hold my hand as I wander.

I don't know if you remember, but I told you that I'd never forget these words. Now I'm giving them back to you with all that I have.

I'm utterly in love with you.

Okay... so I was sitting at home, writing Nick my daily email of emails, and then it hit me -- this thing has a modem on it. Mind you, it's a 56K modem, but you know what they say about beggars being choosy and all. I found the NoCharge.com information on my external, and all of a sudden the computer was making the once-familiar whoops and trills that once was a staple of my existence.

The post says that it's 4:59 in the morning, but that's because I never bothered to set it back to Pacific Standard. I figured that since the laptop came from the East Coast, it's center should stay there, too.

I started knitting again last night, thanks to a surprise care package from Nick's mom. Inside it were about eight skeins of imported yarn (in plum and charcoal), three pairs of bamboo needles (so I can take them on the plane without incident), and a zebra purse to complement Lor's tiger purse from me and Nick. Nick says that his purse will eat his mom's purse, which cracks me up to no end.

As I was casting on, I thought I had forgotten how to knit, so I had my handy-dandy guidebook alongside just in case... but sure enough, I had found my rhythm and was knitting and purling to my heart's content. It took a while to get used to the new needles, but I'm quickly growing fond of them. I asked my mom if she would make a needle caddy for me and she agreed, so I bought the outer fabric (a fine-wale corduroy in black) and drudged up some fabric I got a while back for the lining (a orange and gold pattern -- it'll look spectacular together).

I think I'm going back to the mall tomorrow. I mean, I need to do some returns and all, but really, it's just for the boba smoothies. I noticed a kiwi-pineapple combination... mmm! One thing I'd really like to do with Nick in NYC is find a real-deal boba tea place (you know, the one that does the nifty sealing thing atop the cup), because I have the feeling that he'd like it. The thing that he said he wasn't keen on was the boba (large tapioca pearls), but I never get that in mine. It's all about the lychee for me.

It's been about fifteen minutes and I've got four megs of the updates downloaded. Man, this'll take some time. I'm so not used to dial-up anymore.

... slowly, I'm starting to realize that when Lorelei's not around and I've got all this "me time", the time is basically spent with me in a quiet house, just sitting around. No TV on, no music most of the time... nothing. It's really weird to realize that much of your social life comes from work and the internet. <_<

Well.  I wrote out this whole entry closing up my Maryland recaps, but apparently it's on my brother's login and I'm not doing that right now.  Whatever.

I'm making this post not friends-only because, frankly, there's one person that I'm hoping will find this, and it's my Mo.  She unwittingly signed up for Xanga and not for LiveJournal (not that LJ's much better, but eProps?!? I still can't get over the eProps), so I'm limited to just pimping her out here old-school style.  Honestly, there aren't many people at work that I could call a "friend" -- most are just co-workers, and, if they're lucky, acquaintances.  Mo's different.  I don't quite know why... she just is.  Maybe I'm putting more stock into it than she is, but if I am, whatever.  She's just an absolutely beautiful person overall, and I <3 her.

Anyway! I had my 90-day evaluation today, and it was rather glowing.  Forty cents more -- at least, in trade for my mortal soul, the corporation gives a raise rather quickly.  Meh.  I do have to sacrifice my three days in a row, though... but this next paycheck should be rather nice -- I've got two Sundays on there and the holiday pay for today, and the one after that is when my raise takes effect.  I don't know how much of a difference it'll make, but it's got to make one, and soon.  I've got to get my debt to Georgia cleared, so that damn voice in my head stops nagging me.

Retail is like high school.  Much like message boards, and the internet in general.  The problem with retail is that you combine that juvenile mentality with money, and you get a volatile mixture.

The days have been dragging as of late.  Lorelei starts school on Wednesday as well as Nick, and it'll be weird.  Honestly, while days off mean that I don't have to set foot into that bastion of doom, they also mean that they're days where I'm literally left to my own devices.  Wednesday won't be as bad -- I'll be able to get some editing done for Deeko and finish up that PAX coverage for GotNext -- but it's the next day that I dread.  I mean, Lorelei's gone in the evening.  As much as I like my breaks from her, she really is the sun to my earth.  My life is Lorelei, and as such, when she's gone there is a sense of emptiness, of a bit less purpose.

It's been hard on the relationship front, too.  I don't want to sound all needy and clingy and whatnot (but I know that I probably am), but... yeah.  It's hard, because he's got this whole social network available to him now, and all he has to do is open his door.  It's not that I feel I can't compete with that, or that he doesn't make time for me -- I know that what we have is as important to him as it is to me.  It's just... I don't have that support system.  Sure, I have my friends, but they're all far away now.  The ones that can come around come while I'm at work, which just can't be helped either way.  I feasibly could hang out with the kids at work, but... I don't know.  Everyone's got their set cliques, and the one person that has invited me to go out with them (Jed, in Furniture)... well, I don't think I could bear more than my regularly scheduled programming with him.  That, and I get this weird vibe from him.  <_< I don't know.

I've shed my fair share of tears lately.  Recording with Nick (3.7 MB, 29 mins, yousendit.com) today helped quite a bit, though, and through a minor emergency at the 'rents, I managed to forget all about missing him.  Having a really creepy guy overtly hit on me today didn't help me to forget, though -- I asked him, after I caught him leeringat me, if he needed any help with anything.

His answer? "Yeah, you."
EW! At that moment, my hand reached for my pocket, where my oh-so-convenient picture of Nick and I and my other-so-convenient picture of Lorelei resides.  Luckily, though, someone came and saved me... er, I mean, needed assistance, so I was happy to oblige.

Why is it that guys will pick up a girl who's working some thankless, dead-end job?  I mean, if I was single, I wouldn't go "hm... I need a date.  Let's go to Shop-Ko!" -_-  Working retail is not necessarily a bonus when I'm thinking about the perfect man.  If anything, I'd be apprehensive.  I know how retail makes you. Retail's like raisins... or bananas... it ruins everything.  I mean, come on, it ruins shopping itself. 

... oh, hell.  I've got to get going.  Lorelei's got an appointment at nine to get her shots updated, so I need to get some sleep now.  Woo for a loooong day ahead.

I can't shake how Asian I look in this picture.  I mean, oh my goodness.  I can see both the Korean and the Filipino influences, which is saying something since most people assume that I'm Native American.

...

Claud, my area's assistant manager, asked me to work on Thursday. If I work on Thursday, I'd get forty hours for the week, but I'd work ten days in a row.  Seeing how sleepy I am right now, I think I'll pass.  -_-  I've got to finish my Touch! Kirby review tomorrow (and when I say finish I mean actually start) and my awesome Japanese game preview.  If you buy that game, Nick, I will find a way to get it before I come and see you.  I wonder what I can bribe your friends with in order to get some stealage on...

You know, how many of you would be willing to listen to me talk about Maryland/PAX instead of read it? I'm pretty worded out, and I think that I can manage talking about it more than actually writing about it.

... I looked at myself in the mirror today after I talked to my coworker, Joseph, after work.  He said that he had nothing here in Olympia, nothing to really live for.  I told him that if he had met me only a few months earlier, he would have met a different woman, but I always had something to live for -- Lorelei.  If he and his girlfriend were really meant to be together, he wouldn't feel that way, you know?  How can you have nothing to live for with love in your life, whether it be maternal love or romantic love?

"Things happen when you least expect them," I told him.
"Well, I've been not expecting them for a while now," he replied.
I shook my head. "...but see, in your saying that, it shows that you've been waiting this whole time.  Good things happen to those who wait... karma comes rolling around eventually, man. I have faith that things will turn around for you someday, even if you don't."

I stared at that face in the mirror.  I had cheekbones -- cheekbones -- and my eyes were tired from the long day that lay behind me.  I was thin, yet not gaunt, but somehow... I don't know, I felt rather full.  Vibrant.  I feel like I'm ready to take on everything, to go back to school and to find a good job and to just keep on writing even more.  I feel so much more driven than I have ever felt in my entire life.  It's weird, looking at that and realizing it's just a reflection of something that was always there, just now it's at the surface rather than brewing below.

This may very well be the scariest thing you ever see.
... and this may be the funniest.

Oh, Pete.

OH.
MY.
LORD.

August 6, 2005.
11:30 am (EST).

Three weeks from today.  Three weeks and one hour from this very moment.

I can't wait.

bele_nus is love. <3 <3 <3 x 80,000,000,000

I'm totally going through withdrawal.

As of this morning, I decided that it would be in my best interests to refrain from buying a phone card for at least the end of the week.  I had an unexpected bill come in and I really need to take care of that, which cuts into both my fun money (aw, man, can't plan a trip to Seattle) and my not-really-fun-but-more-of-a-necessity phone money.

Yeah.

I have the next few days meticulously planned out, though, as far as how I'll be able to talk to him... so it's actually quite crazy.  Seeing that I never plan anything, this only proves either:
a) how addicted I am to calling cross-continentally;
or
b) how much I actually care about him.

Hm.

Work is hectic.  I have to cover both Housewares and Domestics, and also go home and call Mr. Jebbers tonight at midnight.  Thank goodness I have two days off.  I'm really thinking of driving away to somewhere tomorrow just because.

Magic phone cards are "teh woor".

I still want to hear "Feel Good Inc." in its entirety again.

Happiness rocks.

( stolen from a tan panda! )

... the heart aches.

And off I traipse to work, a heavy note cast upon my retail chirp.  tweet tweet tweet.

lm.rawlins[at]gmail.com

I expect e-mails.  This means you, Mr. I'm Going To Leave You A Message Somewhere But It Might Not Be E-Mail And I'M REALLY NOT GOING TO DO IT.  >.<  They're probably the only thing that I'll be able to use as correspondence for the next couple of days, unless I luck out and my uncle doesn't pick up the lappy tonight while I'm at work.  HOPE HOPE HOPE

At least I can still look forward to my Songs of the Day.  Matt, I'll get you two songs tomorrow, unless HOPE HOPE HOPE burns brightly in a glittery flame of love.

I actually got trained last night, and I got to spend time at the register.  I generally hate retail, but Wal-Mart's actually not that bad.  Okay, well, co-worker wise.  I expected everyone to be bitchy, but they're all a really genuine type of bitchy, which I like.

I'm not spending one dime of my paycheck there, though.

One nice thing about sitting in the break room is that I feel rather inspired there.  I've gotten more 1UP writing done there than I have in ages.  I also met a nice guy, Alex, who saw my E3 bag and talked about games with me for my whole fifteen.  <jeb>I think he's family.</jeb> Very cute and nice, though -- and he's a gamer, so I'd totally be pimping out my best friend to him.

I was feeling kinda lonely during the second fifteen because everyone was talking to their significant others on their cell phones.  :(  "I miss you, but I'll see you tonight."  BAH.  -_-

Ack, got to get dressed for work and warm up that retail voice of mine.